I’m not blaming porn for boys being stupid

Growing up in the church youth group there were many sermons and small groups on the danger of watching porn.  I always just kinda shrugged it off because it wasn’t an issue for me and I was going to get married at 21 to a youth minister who would never have this issue.  Well here I am at 35 and porn isn’t the issue…it’s that boys are stupid.

The warning was always that porn would give a false sense of what beauty is, you wouldn’t be sexually attracted to normal women.  You would be addicted to the porn that’s easy and not to true physical intimacy that is difficult.  They never said, “hey, you will also think that what you seen women doing in these videos are what all women are willing to do.”

Problem with dating men in their 30’s and 40’s is that they have spent half a lifetime watching porn and believe it as truth.  I never thought that my not being okay with using the bathroom on someone or letting them do that to me would be a deal breaker.  I never thought that because I am loyal and faithful to the person I am with would get me dumped.  Those sermons never said that.

So men here are some truths about real women.

  1. Most of the time if a woman pees on you it’s because she has had children and a sneeze can be catastrophic.
  2. Women want to be cherished not shared like tools from your garage.
  3. Not all women want to be with other women.  We may  make comments on how beautiful a woman is but we don’t want to have sex with her.
  4. Most women don’t want a boxing match while having sex.
  5. We don’t sound like that in the bedroom.
  6. We aren’t always ready and willing
  7. We aren’t slaves we are partners
  8. This is more personal for me but there is nothing sexy about being a teacher and please don’t refer to my teaching while we have sex because I will immediately put you in think time and start doing paperwork.
  9. There is a difference between submissive and subservient.
  10. In the book Fifty Shades of Grey most women weren’t turned on by the bdsm sex.  They were turned on by the idea of a man being completely all consuming in love with them.  So unless you’re a billionaire don’t think of coming at me with a belt.
  11. Most importantly, if you want a woman of substance and someone who when the chips are down is going to lift you up then start looking outside the world of porn because sex while amazing isn’t all women are here for.
  12. If you are over the age of 35 and a barely legal girl is wanting to have sex with you ask yourself these questions: “Am I hot?” If the answer is no go to, “Am I rich?” If the answer to both these questions is “no” then she probably has serious daddy  issues and should be referred to counselor not taken advantage of.

You are welcome.

All women want is…

EFFORT!!!!! Men it is that simple, stop being lazy. Men, send flowers for nothing, send a text message just saying you’re thinking of them, choose to spend time with her every once in a while over your friends or work, bring her coffee to work. It’s that easy. Effort is such a good indicator of interest. If your effort is not being matched you may be more invested in this relationship. If you removed your effort and there is no communication between you two, then he wasn’t into you at all. In both cases it’s time to move on. Ladies spend that effort on yourself, spend that effort on someone who matches it. 

I swear dating in your thirties is a mine field of freaks and lazy men. I am refusing to accept lazy men, I’m worth the effort. 

Two years later

While I couldn’t remember the exact date that my heart was broken, when July rolled around I remembered what happened. I didn’t need the memory reminders on Facebook to remind me of that day. Two years later and I remember every moment of it. Two years later and I still think about him.  Looking back I’m not the same woman in some ways, while exactly the same in others. 

Things to remember next time my heart is broken…

1. You will meet someone else that will make your heart skip a beat.  In the midst of your grief, you will think that you have given up but you haven’t and you won’t. 

2. The anger doesn’t stay forever so take advantage of it while you have it.  While I was mad at my ex I should have gotten rid of everything, blocked everything, deleted all traces of him from my life because when the anger dissipates you will reach out to him. 

3. It’s okay to be sad. Friends will tell you not to feel this way, not to miss him and make it seem like you are crazy for feeling this way after what he did. You’re not crazy…you were in love. 

So much has happened in the last two years, I’ve done so much, I fell for someone, I repeated mistakes, even felt the sting of rejection once again. Above all this, I survived and became stronger than who I was two years ago. 

The Golden Rule

We have all been told and probably told others, “do unto others as you would have done unto you.”  While this is sweet and a good way to remember to treat people with kindness, it can set you up for disappointment if you expect everyone to ascribe to this rule.

This all started on my 35th birthday. In my friendship I expected, maybe not how far I went to celebrate a friends birthday but I definitely expected I would get more than a Facebook post.  So here on my birthday I am begging my friend to make time for me and call me.  Believing that I would be treated how I treated him set me up for a huge disappointment.  

On top of this the new guy I am dating bails on his birthday plans for me.  Emphasis on the HIS in that sentence. Now I sit here a week later and I am still begging these two to give me back even just a portion of what I have given them. 

Perhaps while I remember to treat others how I want to be treated I need to remember to apply that to myself. Treat myself how I want others to treat me.  Stop begging, stop settling, stop allowing people to put me last and start putting myself first. Perhaps with this new version the Golden Rule will really indeed be golden.

Nothing ruins a day like seeing your exes new girlfriend.

Well, Facebook did me dirty once again. Here I am losing the last thirty minutes of sleep before my alarm because my brain won’t slow down.  I lay here over thinking and questioning everything. 

This morning I woke up, rolled over and looked at my phone. I had a couple Facebook updates, I opened Facebook to look at them and the long arm of relationships reached out of Facebook and punched me in the stomach.  Today was a day that the man that I was seeing for a last couple months announced his new relationship.  I get it now.

We didn’t work out because he doesn’t believe in monogamy and I tragically do.  So, I always knew this wasn’t forever.  So imagine my surprise when he jumped into monogamy with a 19 year old girl…he’s 35. I didn’t understand, why her and not me. I saw her this morning…I get it. Inadequacy doesn’t  hit you often but when it does it’s a bitch. 

No advice to offer, no witty lines, not today…too many tears to hold back.  

Eggplant Parmesan 

I have met, dated, or been involved in any way with many many men in my 34 years.  I have created a list of men to stay clear of, I thought I had seen it all but then one sneaks up on you…perhaps the most dangerous one of all.  This is the intense man.  

Why is this type so dangerous? From day one this man will make you feel special, that you are the only person he wants to be near or talk to.  Any walls that you may have built up will be useless against this man.  He will chase you, he will tell you all the things you have been wanting to hear early on, it will seem too good to be true….because it is.  

I met this guy roughly a year ago, every night for hours we would talk on the phone. I never asked to talk, he always wanted to. By night three he was making plans to go to work and see if he could get clients in Florida so we could spend time together.  For a woman who had just come out of a horrible relationship, this man said all the right things.  I had noticed that he was very intense, he had two speed, 0 or 100.  When I mentioned it he agreed and told me story about Eggplant Parmesan. There was a restaurant that serves amazing Eggplant Parmesan.  He loved it, would eat it every night for months until he couldn’t stand the taste of it any longer.  I made a comment that I hoped I didn’t become eggplant parm to him.  Then a mere 4 months later I was.  The only problem is that I’m sure the food didn’t wonder what they did wrong, why were they suddenly not good enough…but I do. 

There’s a saying, “the faster the fire burns the faster it will go out”. They should add the side note that there will be nothing left after this fire is gone.

Participation Ribbon

Growing up I wasn’t the most athletic child, apparently sports require some sort of hand eye coordination or at least the ability to breath and walk at the same time.  So, from an early age I was familiar with the participation ribbon.  In fact, I think I still have some.  At some point in our lives we realize that these are just to pacify and keep happy all those who tried.  As a teacher its to avoid a melt down and possible tears.  At some point we become too mature for such things.  Its because of this I was almost shocked when I received one the other night, thinly veiled  in the form of a compliment.

“One thing for sure the man you marry will be a lucky guy…they don’t make them like you anymore.”   Now from the outside, it’s really one of the nicest things to say to a person.  It’s not so much the words but who they are coming from.  See, a gay friend…yes, a girlfriend…yes, a man you want to want you…NO.  While this was supposed to warm my heart, it felt like two hands on the back and a shove out the door….a participation ribbon if you will.  A “thanks, for trying get me and the guy you will land will be lucky….it just won’t be me”.

I’m a rational thinker so I naturally think, “if they don’t make them like me anymore, wouldn’t you want to be the guy that got me?”  I mean I know the violent lengths I would go to when there is only one green Sour Patch Kid left in the box and I can always open a new box and find about 20 more.

I will say this about this guy, he is one of the most genuine men I have ever met and he very rarely says things he doesn’t mean.

I know that he truly meant it as a compliment and from anyone else it would have been.  I appreciate the participation ribbon, but can’t help but dream of winning first prize.